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Shell Discovers the Secret Formula: Only Stop Polluting When No One Wants Oil

Posted by John Donovan 17 Sept 2023

In a revelation that’s sure to win hearts worldwide, the president of Shell Canada, Susannah Pierce, has imparted her wisdom on the intricacies of decarbonization. According to Pierce, oil and gas companies, those paragons of environmental stewardship, are merely at the mercy of global energy trends. How refreshing!

Pierce, with an air of condescension that only a seasoned executive can muster, graciously acknowledged that while oil and gas firms should make token efforts to reduce emissions, they’re practically stuck in slow motion, like a snail in a race of sloths. Why? Because, dear readers, the rest of the world just can’t seem to keep up with the brilliant minds in the fossil fuel industry.

You see, in Pierce’s insightful view, our beloved global economy still clings desperately to fossil fuels like a child to its security blanket. Apparently, those pesky customers just won’t stop demanding the very products that keep Shell’s coffers overflowing.

But fear not, for Pierce is here to offer her ingenious solution: Let’s wait around twiddling our thumbs until the entire world decides it’s time to kick the oil habit. After all, why should oil and gas companies take the lead in embracing cleaner technologies when they can leisurely sip their coffee and wait for government incentives to magically transform everything?

Oh, but of course, Pierce made sure to mention that these incentives must blanket the entire value chain, especially those fossil fuel-intensive sectors like cement and steel manufacturing, shipping, and aviation. Because who cares about the urgency of climate change when there’s money to be made in polluting industries?

It’s worth noting that Pierce chose this moment to share her pearls of wisdom just days before the 24th World Petroleum Congress in Calgary. The theme? The energy transition, of course! How utterly appropriate for an event that probably considers renewable energy sources a quaint hobby.

In conclusion, we should all applaud Shell for its unwavering dedication to environmental progress. Clearly, the only way they’ll consider decarbonization is when the world miraculously stops craving their fossil-fueled goodies. Until then, let’s keep the planet warm and cozy, just like the hearts of oil executives everywhere.

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