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Noble Exodus: BP and Shell Stocks Get the Boot

Posted by John Donovan: 20 Sept 2023

In an act of sheer defiance against the profit-hungry giants of the energy world, the Diocese of Salford, a beacon of moral authority, has decided to part ways with its investments in BP and Shell. Why, you ask? Well, they argue that these corporations have been just a tad too focused on making money and not quite passionate enough about saving the planet. How dare they prioritize profits over Mother Earth?

In a statement that surely had the fossil fuel titans quaking in their boots, the diocese proclaimed that BP and Shell had lost their way on the path to decarbonization. Apparently, these companies are no longer “ambitious enough” in their efforts to reduce their carbon footprint and transition to a more sustainable future. The audacity!

The diocese, being the righteous stewards of our common home, couldn’t stand idly by while these energy giants continued their reckless ways. They solemnly declared that they would sever all direct ties with fossil fuel production by the end of the year. Bravo, Salford Diocese, for showing us the true meaning of commitment to the environment.

But their mission doesn’t stop there. Oh no, they’re not just divesting; they’re also on a crusade to challenge these corporate behemoths. They’re like the climate superheroes we never knew we needed, using their influence to push for ambitious targets and lasting change. Move over, Avengers; we have a new squad in town.

As for BP and Shell, well, they must be quaking in their boots, right? Wrong. Shell, the paragon of environmental responsibility, calmly responded that the “vast majority” of their investors still supported their strategy to become a net-zero emissions energy business by 2050. But who needs investors when you have a diocese standing up for the planet?

Shell reminded us that they’re diligently delivering the energy the world needs today, which apparently includes a generous helping of carbon emissions. They’re also investing in low-carbon energy solutions, though we suspect those investments might be nestled in a forgotten corner of their portfolio.

In conclusion, we salute the Diocese of Salford for their bold stance against the fossil fuel giants. They’ve shown us that sometimes, principles and the common good should take precedence over profits. Who needs to make money when you can save the world, right?

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