8 Oct 2024
Cue the tiniest violin as Shell, the poster child of corporate greed and environmental destruction, announces—wait for it—a drop in its refining profit margins! Yes, folks, the same oil titan responsible for trashing the planet now faces the horrific fate of only making slightly less obscene amounts of money. Somewhere in the world, a polar bear sheds a tear… or maybe that’s just an oil slick.
Let’s break down the tragedy: Shell’s refining margins took a nosedive by a whopping 30% in the third quarter, down to a measly $5.5 per barrel from the previous $7.7. Oh, the humanity! It seems global demand for oil has taken a dip, as the world awkwardly tries to figure out how to avoid climate catastrophe while Shell desperately clings to its 19th-century business model.
Apparently, global economic activity slowing down and gasp new refineries coming online have conspired to rain on Shell’s profit parade. As if the planet wasn’t already literally on fire, now their refining margins are flaming out too. In a trading update so full of corporate doublespeak it could lull you to sleep, Shell hinted that its chemicals and oil products division didn’t have the best quarter either. No surprise there—when your business depends on pushing toxic products, sometimes the world pushes back.
But don’t worry, Shell isn’t about to pass the collection plate just yet. They still managed to refine around 1.4 million barrels of crude oil per day in Q2, which—get this—represents a staggering 1.2% of the world’s entire oil demand. Yes, Shell’s contribution to the climate crisis is as generous as ever.
Oh, and in case you thought this oil-soaked nightmare was over, Shell’s still going strong in the liquefied natural gas (LNG) department, bumping up their production forecast to an ungodly 7.7 million metric tons for the quarter. You can practically hear the Earth groaning under the weight of all that “progress.”
Oil prices fell by 17% in the third quarter, marking the biggest decline in a year. Jefferies analyst Giacomo Romeo chimed in with some actual numbers (because Shell’s PR team would rather you didn’t focus on the hard facts), suggesting that Shell’s adjusted earnings for the quarter might drop by—brace yourself—10%, which translates to a paltry $5.5 billion.
And because Shell loves nothing more than producing more of the stuff that’s slowly killing us all, they also boosted their upstream oil and gas production forecast to 1.84 million barrels of oil equivalent per day. Because, clearly, we haven’t had enough yet.
So there you have it—Shell, that beacon of environmental destruction and ruthless capitalism, is still raking it in, but slightly less this time. Maybe they’ll lose a few yachts or private islands, but don’t worry—they’ll be just fine. The planet, on the other hand? Well, that’s a different story.
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